8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
You Might Also Like
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*