Lo AND behold? in this economy?
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I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014