Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
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God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.