Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
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A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
My work here is done
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Don’t talk down to me
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
This a good idea
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.