running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
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A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too