5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
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Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink