Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
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I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
fired
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.