This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
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The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
me, after any kind of buffet.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues