Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
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10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.