Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
You Might Also Like
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy