The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
You Might Also Like
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.