To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
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How I’d get arrested…
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.