Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
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I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Taliband
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh