You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
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pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.