That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
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Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
*swipes right on my hand mirror
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*