I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
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“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
A leaf blower, but for people.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.