What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
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the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
“you changed” bro i was 15
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”