“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
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CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Perfect
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.