Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
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George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”