My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
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The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Mornin
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.