Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 馃槧
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It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can鈥檛 even keep track of the snack chart.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn鈥檛 a part of the baby making ceremony I don鈥檛 want to be a part of naming it.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Friday night party time 馃コ
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.馃ぃ
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here鈥檚 a bouquet. i鈥檒l be rotten tomorrow
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor鈥檚.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU