Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
You Might Also Like
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?