I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
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M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Trying
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count