[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
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[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6