Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
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Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.