I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
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My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
That’s not how days work.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.