Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
You Might Also Like
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Chicago sounds lovely.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.