If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
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SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
is frankincense just very honest incense?
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
This is why I hate group projects
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?