“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
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I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
it’s finally my moment to shine
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.