Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
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I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Best table by far
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.