I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
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Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
A game married people play.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.