The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
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Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.