Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
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You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
We’ve all been there
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.