Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
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*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
our love story in four pictures
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.