Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
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what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.