“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
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[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Happy birthday to all the women
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.