If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
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I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché