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Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think