HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
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I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I falcon love using swear birds
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Ain’t no way
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
I can’t stop laughing at this
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.