“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
You Might Also Like
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE