[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
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“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
I am HOWLING at this