hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
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Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely