I heard many of these stories growing up…. 馃槀馃槀馃槀
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It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn鈥檛 jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I鈥檒l handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it鈥檚 my birthday 馃檪
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who鈥檚 family plays charades at holiday gatherings
If I don鈥檛 get an A for my daughter鈥檚 school project, I鈥檓 gonna be pissed.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I鈥檓 just several phone calls and unread texts away.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Flight attendant: You鈥檙e sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
all i did was tell my dad i鈥檓 anaemic 馃槶馃槶
I鈥檝e watched this 17,467 times
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers