Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
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*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?