Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
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The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.