She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
You Might Also Like
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Smooooooth