Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
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detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Smooooooth