If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
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[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”