So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
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[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.