What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
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I was bored.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.